Alone
by lionesseyes13
Summary: Qui-Gon helps Obi-Wan come to terms with the fact that Jedi aren't supposed to know love after Obi-Wan and Siri go their separate ways.


Author's Note: This story transpires after Obi-Wan and Siri decide to end their romance after talking to Yoda and Qui-Gon. The stuff in italics is communication via the bond between Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon. This fic, as my Creative Writing professor would observe, runs the risk of being overly sentimental, but hopefully you guys will enjoy it, anyhow. I think this is the closest I have ever come to really discussing a romantic relationship with Obi-Wan, which may be either a good thing or a bad thing, depending on your viewpoint and how badly I butcher this story.

Dedication: This fic is dedicated to my older sister because comforting her via cell phone after her breakup with her boyfriend was the inspiration for this story.

Reviews: Reviewers are my favorite kind of readers.

Alone

Qui-Gon Jinn hesitated outside the door of his apprentice's sleeping quarters, uncertain of his welcome for the first time in years. Steeling himself, he raised his hand to knock on the door only to lower it before it could make contact with the wood. That was the fifth time that he had meant to rap on the door, and then shied away from actually touching the wood, as though the wood was lava that would sear him if he so much as brushed against it.

As strong as he was, he was unable to bring himself to intrude on Obi-Wan's pain, and he turned on his heel and reluctantly walked away in the end.

Perhaps now wasn't the time, he told himself as he retreated. Maybe now was a moment when, as a teacher, he needed to step back and allow his pupil to figure out the answer on his own. After all, Obi-Wan was no longer a child—indeed he was becoming more of an adult with every passing day—and he had to find his own peace. As much as Qui-Gon would have liked to have given serenity to Obi-Wan, inner peace wasn't something that could be handed over like a gift; it was something that had to be found after much introspection and soul-searching. Qui-Gon's words of dubious wisdom would be of no use now.

Besides, even if they would have been, Qui-Gon doubted that Obi-Wan was in the mood to listen to them. Right now, Obi-Wan was angry at him and at the Jedi as a whole. He blamed them for depriving him of something he had only recently realized he desired: love.

With an intensity so powerful it ignited his whole body, Qui-Gon longed for Obi-Wan to share his pain with him and to turn to him for comfort. If he would just confide in Qui-Gon, his burden would be lessened ever so slightly.

Qui-Gon hadn't earned the right to comfort him, though. After all, Qui-Gon reminded himself, he had played a major role in crushing Obi-Wan's dreams as easily as a bantha smashed a liki bug. That's why relief flooded him when he walked away from Obi-Wan's closed door.

The instant he acknowledged the relief, guilt overcame his relief. Then, before he knew it, he was heading back toward Obi-Wan's sleeping quarters. Obi-Wan was his Padawan, and he owed the young man at least the chance to reject his insight. Having ushered Obi-Wan through every other growing pain, he should have felt confident in his ability to handle this one, but he felt as nervous as an initiate picking up a lightsaber for the first time as he actually found the courage necessary to knock on his apprentice's door.

There was no answer from within the silent chamber, although he could sense Obi-Wan's presence within it. Qui-Gon could feel Obi-Wan's shields clamped down tighter than they had ever been before, as though they were meant to serve as a barricade from the agony that had already wrecked havoc on Obi-Wan's heart just as it had on Qui-Gon's when Tahl died.

"_Padawan_." Gently, Qui-Gon opened up the mental bond between them only to be met by a barrier of silence. Very well, then, Qui-Gon decided, Obi-Wan didn't have to respond to him; if he would just listen, Qui-Gon would find a way to comfort him from the opposite side of the door if he had to.

"_Obi-Wan, will you let me in?" _Qui-Gon could not help but try it, even though he suspected that it would do no more good than running to the airbus station to catch an airbus that has already departed twenty minutes ago. He was proven correct when Obi-Wan's strict silence was maintained, and, despite the circumstances, his lips quirked upward. Obi-Wan was polite, reserved, almost always rule-abiding, sometimes mischievous, and possibly the most stubborn individual after himself that he had ever met.

"_In that case, I shall just have my say and leave you in peace." _ For a moment, Qui-Gon sensed that Obi-Wan was itching to make a sarcastic remark, most likely urging his Master to hurry up and be done with it, but to do that, he would need to break his silence. That was something he wasn't ready to do yet. The legendary Kenobi stubborn streak has reared its head once again.

"_Ah, Obi-Wan, you do not know how much this pains me." _ Qui-Gon's hand came to rest on his Padawan's door, and frustration that he couldn't place his hand on Obi-Wan's shoulder surged through him. It was his son—the only son he would ever have or need—that was nursing a bruised and battered heart in there, and all Qui-Gon could do was stand out here, thinking platitudes at a stone wall of silence.

"_I can't tell you that this will ever be easy,"_ Qui-Gon began, starting one of the most difficult conversations of his life honestly, because he knew that if he was less than truthful Obi-Wan's faith in him would never be restored, and the mere thought of that happening made his own heart break. _"I would like to tell you that, but I can't, just as I would like to tell you that there will never be times when you'll regret your decision or wish for what you can't have, but I can't." _

"_Master, you're not helping, you know." _ Obi-Wan sent the exasperated thought to him, and Qui-Gon had to stifle his laughter, since he couldn't risk offending Obi-Wan by making it seem like his amusement came at the price of his Padawan's pain. Still, he was encouraged by this little display of annoyance, as it meant that Obi-Wan was starting to claw his way out of his shell.

"_Then you are not listening," _Qui-Gon chided gently.

At this, Obi-Wan's rather impressive shields slid down a notch. Still, however, he did not invite Qui-Gon into his room or give any other signal that Qui-Gon could continue. The rational Obi-Wan certainly had moments when he showed a remarkable lack of interest in being reasonable, Qui-Gon noted to himself.

It seemed he had been quiet for too long because Obi-Wan's impatient voice rang in his head_, "Go on, if you must, Master." _

"_Thank you for indulging me, Padawan." _ Qui-Gon felt Obi-Wan knock down some more of the barrier he had built around his brain. As he had hoped, Obi-Wan's dry sense of humor was amused, which meant Qui-Gon had yet again used Obi-Wan's peculiar sense of humor to diffuse his anger. _"You know, I do understand what you are going through."_

There was no answer from the other side of the door, providing Qui-Gon a chance to swallow the lump that always constricted his throat whenever he contemplated Tahl.

"_You will always love Siri,"_ he went on once he had regained his composure.

"_I know." _Obi-Wan sounded as though he bore the weight of a thousand planets on his shoulders as he offered this bald confession.

"_But you have made the right choice,"_ Qui-Gon reassured him.

"_Then why does it hurt so much?" _ Obi-Wan's tone was as broken as his heart as he posed this question.

"_Because it is love,"_ Qui-Gon replied, thinking that it was his love for Obi-Wan that was causing him anguish at the moment, as well.

"_Does it ever stop?" _ Obi-Wan pressed, begging Qui-Gon to tell him that the pain would end, and Qui-Gon would have given anything in the galaxy to do so, but that would be a lie, and he couldn't lie to his apprentice about this.

"_No," _responded Qui-Gon frankly.

Once again, the shields rose, but this time, Qui-Gon sensed, not because Obi-Wan was cross, but because he needed privacy and time to recover from this blunt assessment.

"I am here for you, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon announced aloud.

Obi-Wan didn't answer, and the moment stretched out for so long that Qui-Gon was about to turn away again, heartsick and disappointed. Then, he heard a click as the lock on Obi-Wan's door disengaged.

"May I come in?" he asked.

In response, the door opened a crack, revealing a dark bedroom. When Qui-Gon pushed it open further so he could enter, light from their living quarters spilled into the chamber, and his apprentice, seated on the floor hugging his knees against his chest, squinted.

When Qui-Gon settled down beside him, he could see the tear marks on Obi-Wan's face. For a few moments, neither of them spoke, and then Obi-Wan rasped, "I must look a sight."

"I've seen you look better," Qui-Gon agreed, glad that a fraction of his Padawan's wit was returning.

"I feel like I'm dying, Master," Obi-Wan stated, locking somber eyes on his Master, and Qui-Gon cringed inwardly, because he knew that Obi-Wan wasn't prone to melodrama.

"I know, Padawan." Once again, that was all Qui-Gon could think to say.

"A Jedi doesn't know love," muttered Obi-Wan, sounding as though he were desperately trying to make this situation a joke, even if it was one at his expense.

"But a man does," Qui-Gon returned. At his words, Obi-Wan's eyes shut and he covered his face with his hands.

"When we returned from New Apsolon after Tahl died, I swore to myself that I would never fall in love, and look at me now." Now that he had found a way to make himself a laughingstock in his own mind, Obi-Wan was willing to remove his hands from his face.

"Feelings are impossible to prevent from forming, Padawan, and love builds within us without our intending it to," Qui-Gon murmured.

"I wish my heart heeded my mind, Master."

When he established as much, he appeared so vulnerable that Qui-Gon could not help but enfold him in his arms, whispering, "I would give anything to take this burden from you, Obi-Wan."

Shaking his head vehemently, Obi-Wan pulled away from the embrace. "That's something you can't do, Master, and I wouldn't want you to if you could. I wouldn't belittle my love for her by doing that."

Looking into his eyes, which were a brighter and more piercing blue than ever from his crying, Qui-Gon knew that Obi-Wan wasn't just a brave and resilient person, he was a much wiser one than Qui-Gon was. One day, given all this, Obi-Wan would find the peace he craved. One day, he would recognize what Qui-Gon and Yoda already did: that he was a Jedi first and last, and he had a special destiny to fulfill. Exactly what that destiny was Qui-Gon didn't know, but he was willing to offer a credit back guarantee that it would be as extraordinary as Obi-Wan Kenobi was.


End file.
